The Mind Knows

I'm convinced that the mind often knows - even if subconsciously - the things our heart is too timid to speak. I've been so unsettled the past few days. Irritable. Emotional. Given to periods of crying for whatever reason. I've blamed it on lack of sleep and a few other things.

I've prayed and prayed for God to change my attitude. Although I've tried very hard not to let my irritability affect others, it has spilled over onto Johnny and Bella I'm sure.

Grief is not excuse for being unkind to others. However, grief is where I find myself. The end of January to the beginning of March brings literally day after day of missed moments and anniversaries. My father's going home anniversary was January. My grandmother's going home anniversary is tomorrow. My sister's birthday is Monday. My mom's the 28th. My brother's March 7th. In the midst of all of that is mother. February became THE month. Both lung cancer diagnoses came in February. One five years ago and one last year. Five years ago today, mom came home after her first surgery.

These dates swim around in my subconscious even when my heart doesn't remind me. It's crazy to think dates on a calendar will bother you and disrupt your day...but they do. I don't want to feel these feelings. I don't want to have my feelings simmering so closely to the surface. I prefer them to be tucked neatly away in their box.

Alas, that is not to be. However, now I know why I'm unsettled, why I'm hurting, why I'm irritated. So now, I can give all these things to Jesus. Ask Him to take the "sting" out of dates. To replace them instead with the precious memories of times past and time spent together. Time that He gave me with each of them.