Grief is Sneaky

In case you were wondering, it should be noted that grief is sneaky AND a jerk. Like I said, just in case you were wondering. Most days now I walk around getting on with the business at hand. It’s not that I don’t think about mom; it’s not that I don’t miss her; it’s not that I don’t feel her loss. It’s just that most days, I’m “okay” with it all. I truly view death as a part of life. For those living in Christ Jesus, death is the sweetest part of this life. I work in an industry in which I see death first hand every… single... day…

That doesn’t make dealing with death easier; it just makes it feel much more normal. So, when I’m walking around, minding my own business, and grief comes strolling up all like “hey, how you been?” it has the tendency to really catch me off guard and tick me off just a little bit. I’m in my groove. I don’t cry all of the time. I’m just doing my thing.

Grief clearly finds that to be unacceptable behavior at times. Twice in the past week and a half, I have found myself the recipient of grief’s unexpected company. The first time was the day before my mom’s birthday. I had a doctor’s appointment with one of her doctors for some follow up. Easy peasy, no big deal, I’ve known this doctor for years, and I love her. Oh how we deceive ourselves. I find myself on the way to my appointment literally crying so hard I can barely see out of my windshield. Then I get in the building and a sweet older mother / daughter couple need help finding their oncology office (mom’s other doctor). Let’s detour by the bathroom to pull our self together AGAIN before actually going in to OUR appointment.

Appointment done. Went great. Acknowledged grief. Acknowledged “why” this bothered me. Birthday, doctors mom had seen, in the same office again after all these months. Blah, blah, blah. Okay grief, you got me. I’m not over it, I get it. Moving on for now.

Today I found myself crying over my mom because of something a friend is going through with their mom. Wait! What? This is not about ME. This is about her and her mom. However, in this moment, it is about me. Grief that I’m still dealing with. Grief that surfaces as someone else’s situation reminds me of what mom and I walked through.

I don’t like grief. I don’t like it at all. I don’t like the touchy feely emotions of it all. I don’t like the crying. Most of all I hate the inability to stop the crying when I so desperately want to stop the crying. Wait, did I mention I hate the crying?

After saying all of that, grief is a teacher. A great teacher – if we only accept the teaching. No one wants to be taught by grief. Human nature fights against loss. Nonetheless, it’s inevitable. Grief teaches compassion. Grief teaches us to feel for our brothers and sisters in life as they travel similar roads and journeys. It allows us to at least sympathize with their pain. Grief teaches us sensitivity. It teaches us to be sensitive to others and to ourselves. Once we’ve experienced the true heartbreak of grief, it allows us to at least understand the pain others feel. Grief teaches us of God’s mercy. God shows us mercy as He comforts us in our loss. God shows us mercy in His permanent healing of our loved ones. Grief teaches us that regardless of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, financial status, etc. that at the beginning of life and at the end of life, we are all the same. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. I’m just at a place of allowing the teaching and honoring and accepting my own grief.

Why Does it Always Feel Like Friday

Are you a Christian? If so, this post is for you. As a Christian, do you walk around with a Friday attitude? No, I'm not talking about a TGIF (thank goodness it's Friday) attitude. I'm talking about a crucifixion Friday attitude. You know the attitude I'm talking about don't you. The world is a horrible place, we're going to hell in a hand basket, my life is in shambles, everything is falling apart, attitude.

 

I'm pretty sure, despite everything He said, most Christians thought that crucifixion Friday was the end. That was it, Jesus was on a cross. He died. They placed Him in a tomb. Clearly, for them, the world must have been a horrible place in that moment. Everything must have been falling apart. The sky went black. The earth shook.

 

On crucifixion Friday, they forgot one vital piece of information. We hear it all of the time close to Easter. It's almost become a "catch phrase." However, it is so very true. I know it's Friday, but hold on, Sunday's coming. Mercy! Sunday's coming! Boy did it show up with a bang.

 

In one shining moment, Jesus broke the chains of death and hell FOREVER - if we just believe on Him. There is no circumstance, situation, moment, or phase that lasts forever. Nothing that we see or go through here is permanent. There is only one thing that is permanent - eternal life.

 

So why, as Christians, believers in Jesus Christ, do we walk around with a defeated attitude? Why do we have a crucifixion Friday attitude? In reality, with an eternal future in front of us, shouldn't we all walk around with a resurrection Sunday attitude instead.

 

Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. My job is horrible. The hours are horrible. The pay is horrible. My boss is horrible. Resurrection Sunday - Colossians 3:22-24 Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.…

 

Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. I'm in debt. My finances are a mess. I don't know what to do. Resurrection Sunday - Philippians 4:6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

 

Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. My husband/wife is a liar, drunk, cheat, etc. I've done everything I know to do and I just can't make this marriage work. Resurrection Sunday - I Corinthians 13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.  For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.  When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

 

Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. My kid is a mess. I've tried to raise him right but he just stays in trouble. Resurrection Sunday - If you have truly "raised him right," God makes you a promise. Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

 

Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. I lost my spouse, parent, child. My life will never be the same. It hurts so badly. (I know, I really do know). Resurrection Sunday - I Thessalonians 4:13-14 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 

 

 

Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. I've used drugs. I've been promiscuous. I've had an abortion. I've stolen things. I've lied. How can God forgive those things. Resurrection Sunday - I John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. II Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

 

I don't mean to try and make it sound so easy. I struggle with these things myself. Living a life of faith isn't always easy. However, if our attitudes reflect those of defeat, fear, misery, and the inability to cope, how do we make Jesus sound like a "good" thing to the non-believer. If our attitude is as poor as theirs, how does being a Christian sound like it has any benefits. If a Christian's life and attitude mirrors the life and attitude of a non-believer, how do we show a non-believer that God is working. I know life is tough. The world is a crazy place. I know that sometimes it really does "LOOK" like there's no way out. It really does "LOOK" like Crucifixion Friday. Oh but glory! Faith lets us KNOW Sunday is coming!

References for 2 Corinthians 5:17

• Cross References

• 21 5:17 - S Ro 16:3
• 22 5:17 - S Jn 1:13 ; S Ro 6:4 ; Gal 6:15
• 23 5:17 - Isa 65:17 ; Rev 21:4,5

 

 

                    

                                

References for 1 John 1:9

• Cross References

• 19 1:9 - Ps 32:5 ; 51:2 ; Pr 28:13
• 20 1:9 - ver 7; Mic 7:18-20 ; Heb 10:22

 

 

 

The Gift of Time

I tell people often that we were given the gift of time with mother. Knowing she was sick, knowing treatment might not work, knowing...we were given the gift of time. Time to live IN each moment. Time to cherish each moment. There wasn't much planning, just living and doing.

However, it occurs to me that we each have that gift. We spend so much of our lives planning, wishing, dreaming. When this happens then that will happen. Once the kids are grown we'll do xyz. In reality, we do have to plan stuff out. Map a course so to speak. The question is do we live in the planning stage.

If you woke up today, you were given today. Not tomorrow, not next week, next month, or next year. Each day makes a difference. Are we so caught up in what's coming next that we don't enjoy the here and now.

The only moment we truly have with our loved ones is the moment we're in right now. Are you present in this moment? Really and truly present. Are you seeing what is right in front of you or is it so routine that you just "know" what it looks like. An example of looking, truly looking, that might "sound" silly. Do you know what your wife/husband wore to work today? No? Were you really looking at them this morning or was your morning just that routine.

It doesn't matter if there are toys in the floor. It doesn't matter if you eat off of paper plates every night. It doesn't matter if your laundry isn't all done. It doesn't matter if you're overweight or underweight. It doesn't matter if you need a haircut. It doesn't matter if your makeup is on. What will matter is your absence. If you were gone tomorrow, your spouse, children, family, and friends wouldn't miss your spotless house, your perfectly applied makeup, or your "just so" hair. They would miss YOU!

So, today - and only today - is your gift. BE PRESENT. Put your phone down. Turn the computer off. Turn the tv off. Interact with your family. Play with your kids. Talk to your spouse. Make sure they have something worth remembering when your presence is just a memory.

The Mind Knows

I'm convinced that the mind often knows - even if subconsciously - the things our heart is too timid to speak. I've been so unsettled the past few days. Irritable. Emotional. Given to periods of crying for whatever reason. I've blamed it on lack of sleep and a few other things.

I've prayed and prayed for God to change my attitude. Although I've tried very hard not to let my irritability affect others, it has spilled over onto Johnny and Bella I'm sure.

Grief is not excuse for being unkind to others. However, grief is where I find myself. The end of January to the beginning of March brings literally day after day of missed moments and anniversaries. My father's going home anniversary was January. My grandmother's going home anniversary is tomorrow. My sister's birthday is Monday. My mom's the 28th. My brother's March 7th. In the midst of all of that is mother. February became THE month. Both lung cancer diagnoses came in February. One five years ago and one last year. Five years ago today, mom came home after her first surgery.

These dates swim around in my subconscious even when my heart doesn't remind me. It's crazy to think dates on a calendar will bother you and disrupt your day...but they do. I don't want to feel these feelings. I don't want to have my feelings simmering so closely to the surface. I prefer them to be tucked neatly away in their box.

Alas, that is not to be. However, now I know why I'm unsettled, why I'm hurting, why I'm irritated. So now, I can give all these things to Jesus. Ask Him to take the "sting" out of dates. To replace them instead with the precious memories of times past and time spent together. Time that He gave me with each of them.

God Will not Put More on You than You Can Bear

This is not my normal grief stuff, but it still applies. Yes, I'm going "there." We often hear, from well-meaning christian brothers and sisters, the following phrase...hang in there, God won't put more on you than you can bear. Number one, that's a LIE. Number two it's not scriptural. We're going to take a look at that MISQUOTED scripture. Below is the scripture in context - in other words the verse before, the verse after, and that entire verse, not just what people want to pull out.

I Corinthians 10:12-14
12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! 

13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

14 Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry.

The middle of verse 13 is your misquote. "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." Temptation is NOT pain. Temptation is NOT trouble. Temptation is NOT loss. Temptation is NOT trials. Temptation is NOT testing. What is temptation then? I'm glad you asked.

Webster defines temptation as the following... : a strong urge or desire to have or do something

: something that causes a strong urge or desire to have or do something and especially something that is bad, wrong, or unwise

Stay with me here. God wants us to rely fully on Him. Trust fully in Him. He wants us to seek Him, lean on Him, love Him. So, if that's what He wants us to do, how can we do those things if WE can handle everything? If we're trusting in our abilities, having faith in our abilities, seeking our abilities, leaning on our abilities, what exactly is God's purpose?

So, the next time someone tries to "comfort" you with that phrase, gently remind yourself (and perhaps them) that yes, God will put more on us than WE can bear because He wants to bear it for us but we must turn to Him.

What We Mourn

In roughly two weeks, my mom will have been gone six months. That's approximately 180 days or 24 weeks. HALF A YEAR. Is that even possible? By the looks of the calendar, yes, it's possible. On the one hand, that seems like a really long time. On the other, it feels like yesterday.

I'm okay. I've made my peace with it. I'm where I need to be right now. Does that mean I won't cry again? That's funny. Does that mean I no longer miss her? Shoot, there are things I don't even know to miss yet. Does that mean I'm done grieving? No. It just means that for me, right now, in THIS moment, the face of grief is changing.

I can only address the rest of this as a believer. In all honesty, I don't know how nonbelievers even cope with death. If I thought with each family member that their burial was truly the last time I would see them, I would definitely be crazy by now. So...here goes.

I think it's important to realize that true grief in all of it's ugliness (and it is ugly. Have you ever seen me cry? Whew!) is NOT indicative of a lack of faith. First of all, when Lazarus died, the Bible even states that Jesus wept. If He can cry...well, surely we can. As believers (assuming our loved one is as well) we know that we will see that loved one again when God calls us home. So, it really isn't goodbye, it's see you later.

Spiritually, we're set. We've got it. Our spirit is fine with the situation because our spirit knows. We're not mourning the spirit. We're rejoicing the spirit.

We're mourning a physical connection. A relationship. That doesn't turn off just because spiritually we're "okay." God built us to be in relationship. So once that relationship is broken, how could we NOT mourn? If He built us to be in relationship, how can we think He doesn't understand our mourning? Or worse yet that He would consider it a lack of faith. That just wouldn't even make sense.

Spiritually I mourn NOTHING. Matter of fact my spirit is jealous that her work is done while mine is not. That human connection is broken. Never to be repaired here! So yes, my flesh mourns. Frankly, I believe God is a okay with that. So, don't let anyone tell you mourning shows a lack of faith or unbelief...because even Jesus wept.

33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

“Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

35 Jesus wept.

36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

Ah, now that's good stuff!

A Year Reflected

This time last year is when it all started unraveling. Mom was hospitalized on Christmas day. We had diagnoses of pneumonia, bronchitis, the flu, and finally "just" a COPD exacerbation. It boiled down to, they didn't know. Then in February - nearly four years to the day - devastating news. She had lung cancer, again. Not a reoccurrence, a new one.

And of course, life happened. And because life happened, so did death.

So, here I sit two days before a new year. A little sad. A lot reflective. Still tasked with trying to get used to my "new normal." I hate that phrase by the way. It's dumb. It does nothing to help. Frankly, hearing it is slightly irritating.

My mother had me for 42 years and 10 months. I had her my whole life. This will be my first full year without her. It's just a weird feeling.

I'll be fine. As much as we all feel we won't make it through the initial grief, we do. Actually, if we're honest, we just get used to it. You don't really get over it. It doesn't just magically get better. It never really goes away. You just get used to it.

Do you remember when you were little and you had a favorite shirt? Then you wore it and wore it and wore it. It kind of smelled funny, maybe even got a little itchy. (Don't lie, you had one. Or lucky socks, a blanket, something.) But you didn't notice because you wore it EVERY day and you got used to it.

I think we wear our grief the exact same way. It might be smelly, itchy, uncomfortable, etc but after a while, you just. get. used. to. it. It still totally sucks, you just don't notice it all the time anymore because you. just. get. used. to. it.

So, I think I'm "there." Sometimes it happens faster than we think. Sometimes we don't even realize that we've gotten used to it. So, on the cusp of this new year, I'm used to her being gone. It doesn't feel good, but at least I feel.

So, 2015, here I come. Memories in my mind, love in my heart, and the realization that God is nowhere near done with me yet.