A Year Divided

Well, here I sit on the morning of December 22nd. Almost Christmas time. Almost. I think I shall be ready for it to be over. Not because I'm overwhelmingly sad at the present time - more so because it's something we're "getting through" this year.

I will always enjoy celebrating the Christ child's birth - regardless of the circumstances - however, I'm struggling to have my heart in the rest of the "stuff." I've witnessed so much loss the last quarter of this year. Between our family and our friends, there have been eight losses since August 7th and as I sit here, I am awaiting the news of another friend being called home.

I know that as I age I will see it with more and more regularity. While I know death is a part of life, and while I know that for believers absent from the body is to be present with the Lord, those things do not stop our heart from feeling the loss of that physical presence.

I simply cannot imagine not being a believer and feeling like there is no hope of seeing them again. I hold so tightly to the promises of God that I will get to see His face plus the faces of my loved ones. Oh how I long for that reunion. What a sweet, sweet time.

Someone reminded me last night that I was the only one left now (in my family of origin). Really? I didn't cry. I didn't get angry. I just nodded in agreement. How could anyone think I wouldn't realize. I know. I know. I'm ready whenever Jesus is ready for me.

But alas, my work here is not done. So many things left to do. I will attempt to do them cheerfully and relish the thought of the most glorious family reunion I could ever imagine.

Right now though, I simply look forward to this Christmas season being over. The timeline for this year has been "before mom died" and "after mom died." I really am looking forward to the new year and a fresh start.

This new year will not be divided - it will simply be moving forward "after." I've finally made it to a place of being okay with that. Over it? No. Still more days of crying ahead? Yes. However, I'm cognizant of the gifts I received in the final years of mother's life. We had made our peace. Forgiveness had been offered and granted. We had precious, silly, funny times. I knew she loved me. She thanked me for taking care of her. God gave her to me for as long as I "needed" her.

I am so thankful that there will never be one more moment of sickness from treatment. She has hair and her teeth - and yes, those things mattered to her. She will never again struggle for one more breath. Never. I witnessed that struggle over and over. It's horrible. She is healed perfect. I can only imagine - literally - the smile on her face at 12:49 am, August 7, 2014 as she RAN (I'm sure she ran) through the gates of heaven and saw her Maker's face and then the faces of her mother, her father, her husband, her children, and aunts and uncles, and the goofiest brother-in-law ever. Oh what a smile she must've had.

And being able to imagine THAT smile ☺ for those reasons is worth so much more than having her here. And I know that some day, my smile will be the same.