Changes

I realized today that my mom's death has changed me. I know that sounds like a "duh" statement, but I don't just mean in the sense that she's gone. I didn't have to let her death change me. I could've just done the "regular hurting" part, stuffed the rest down, and went on about my merry way. Don't tell me you can't do that. Believe me, I've lost a lot, you can stuff anything you don't want to deal with. But that changes you too - and not for the better. But I digress...

I cried at lunch today. At work. With people around. I didn't even try not to. Most people would say "so, people do that all the time." Sure they do. But I don't. I struggle with that. It's part of my "stuff." It's weird and people don't understand it, but it's MY stuff.

You know what I realized today (although it's been true all along), no one ran from the room because of my weakness. No one thought I was a pansy. If they did, they were gracious enough not to say it out loud. Not one person in the room thought any different of me. Except for me. I thought differently of me.

Right now, at this particular point in my life, crying is not unusual. However, not feeling like I needed to stop was unusual.  I've made a conscious decision to grieve. Again, I know that might sound crazy that I've made the decision to grieve. Most people would be thinking "you have no choice in the matter." Wrong!!! I am an active, avid emotion stuffer. I will gladly eat any feeling I have.

Hmm, I'm sad today. Cake sounds great right about now. Hmm, I'm mad at so and so today. Why yes, I will have that extra large combo. I feel fabulous today. Oh, pizza sounds fantastic. So, yes, you can stuff those feelings. As I said, I have made a conscious decision to grieve my mother.

I think my emotions bother some close to me. I think others welcome it. I think some are so stunned by any display of emotion from me that they don't know what to think.

Actively feeling these emotions are HARD. I don't like it. There are days that the pain seems unbearable. Some days, I miss her so much I can't stand it. Some days, there's guilt for what our relationship wasn't. Some days, there's anger over a relationship that will never be. Some days, there's anger at them all because I'm "alone." Some days, are riddled with laughter thinking of the silly, goofy way she was. Some days, I long to be Bella's age snuggled in her lap. Most days, there's a quiet longing for a phone call, a conversation, simply the desire for it to be the way it was... crazy, dysfunctional, imperfect.

The thing is, feeling all those nasty, hard, yucky feelings, lets me feel the other feelings more intensely. By not ignoring one (the sucky, hard ones) I get the joy of really feeling the other. I find that the little things bother me less. I'm actively learning to acknowledge them and then let them go. Simple pleasures, well they're more pleasurable. I'm trying very hard to live in and enjoy the "right now."

So, yes, mother's death has changed me. Hopefully for the better. Grief is a beast. It's hard. And it hurts like hell. Grief kind of feels like you're taking a cheese grater to your very soul.  I won't even try to lie about that. But I pray that it molds me and changes me into a better person. A person that is more open. A person of true compassion. I pray that I learn to love myself the way others love me.