Changes

As of Friday, I have lost 96 lbs. That's significant. I made the comment the other day that mother would be proud of me. She wanted so desperately for me to lose weight. She worried about my health. Clearly more than she worried about her own. So, it would be nice if she could see the changes. However, if she were here, this likely would not have happened.

Her death was part of the catalyst that began the change. However, the beginning changes were internal; emotional. They had to manifest before any physical changes could take place.

For most of my life, I've had a love/hate relationship with food. On the one hand, I loved food. Eating was fabulous. Eating allowed me to not deal with any real emotion. On the other hand, food was the enemy. I hated the way eating may me feel and how it made me look.

What I failed to realize all those years - even after years of therapy for different stuff - was I didn't have a food issue at all. I had a heart issue - and I'm not talking coronary artery disease. I was completely shut down. I didn't want to feel any emotion. Emotions were painful and couldn't be trusted.

God began a work in me - a very painful work in me - roughly eight years ago. I had "stuff" to deal with. Real, painful stuff. That initial change allowed God to bring Johnny into my life. That initial change and Johnny were preparation for more change.

I was beginning to feel again. A scary process but a needed process. Changes continued. Life happened. Pregnancy, raising babies, terminal illness. They all slammed into us seemingly at once like a tidal wave. So many times it would've been easier to shut down. I hung in there.

Deep down inside, I knew that this 2nd battle with lung cancer would be mom's last. I began "preparing" myself for the inevitable loss. The hours leading up to her death, I had multiple internal conversations with myself. I knew that I would have to purposefully grieve her. I knew I could NOT let myself shut down. Within days I sought out a trusted christian friend for counseling.

And so it began. Little by little, I let this go and that go. I strengthened my walk with God. I strengthened my relationship with Johnny. I strengthened relationships that would ultimately see me through this long road called life.

As I sat in my living room right after Thanksgiving, I pondered all that I had been through and all that God had given me. I had been a caregiver for one person or another all of my life. Clearly with the toddler in the back room, that wasn't going to end anytime soon.

It was time to go big or go home. Embrace where I was or squander my life away. Did I "want" Johnny to be my caregiver? No. Was it fair for Bella to be my caregiver? No. Especially if my issues were fixable before they became issues.

Ultimately I had to be mother's caregiver because she didn't take care of herself. I'm not angry or resentful of that fact but it's a true fact. It wouldn't be right for me to neglect caring for myself and making others responsible for my care down the road.

So I made the decision in November that I would change my life. I wasn't going on a diet for awhile. I wasn't going to exercise for awhile. I had to change my life. So I made a conscious decision that the Monday after Christmas, Susan would change. And I did. Was it easy in the beginning? No. Did I like it? No. Did I know it was necessary? Yes.

My relationship with food has changed. There's no hate now. Only love. I love how good food makes me feel. I love how it nourishes my body. I love that food is no longer a crutch.

I still struggle with my outward appearance. I have difficulty seeing what others see. I take that to God. Only God can change my vision. Instead of looking at my body for change, I look at the other stuff. My stamina; the things I can do now that I couldn't do before; I can play with Bella all day; I can breathe better; and today I fit into the "normal" gown at the doctor's office.

Life is full of change. Change is the only real constant we face. I thank God that He began a change in me all those years ago. Ultimately that change led me to today. That change will lead me to my goal. That change led me to life.