Eleven months... It really doesn't matter how you break down the time. It's irrelevant anyways. It doesn't matter how long a loved one has been gone, they are still "gone." I'm no stranger to grief. I know how it works. On some level, grief has been my constant companion since October 26, 1996 - the day Jimmy died.
Since that day, the onslaught of loss has been relentless. Slowly. One after the other. Gone. Since 1996... The loss of both parents, both siblings, three grandparents, two aunts, three uncles, and two cousins.
It's almost numbing... almost. I've planned funerals, gone to funerals, even blocked out a few funerals. I've laughed over these people, cried over these people, and released these people.
There is not one loved one I've lost that I would ask to come back. I miss them desperately.
I'm thankful for a God who saves. I'm thankful that I will see them again; hear them again; talk to them again; walk with them again. I'm thankful that I do not grieve as those who have no hope.
1 Thessalonians 4:13
But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.
As of Friday, I have lost 96 lbs. That's significant. I made the comment the other day that mother would be proud of me. She wanted so desperately for me to lose weight. She worried about my health. Clearly more than she worried about her own. So, it would be nice if she could see the changes. However, if she were here, this likely would not have happened.
Her death was part of the catalyst that began the change. However, the beginning changes were internal; emotional. They had to manifest before any physical changes could take place.
For most of my life, I've had a love/hate relationship with food. On the one hand, I loved food. Eating was fabulous. Eating allowed me to not deal with any real emotion. On the other hand, food was the enemy. I hated the way eating may me feel and how it made me look.
What I failed to realize all those years - even after years of therapy for different stuff - was I didn't have a food issue at all. I had a heart issue - and I'm not talking coronary artery disease. I was completely shut down. I didn't want to feel any emotion. Emotions were painful and couldn't be trusted.
God began a work in me - a very painful work in me - roughly eight years ago. I had "stuff" to deal with. Real, painful stuff. That initial change allowed God to bring Johnny into my life. That initial change and Johnny were preparation for more change.
I was beginning to feel again. A scary process but a needed process. Changes continued. Life happened. Pregnancy, raising babies, terminal illness. They all slammed into us seemingly at once like a tidal wave. So many times it would've been easier to shut down. I hung in there.
Deep down inside, I knew that this 2nd battle with lung cancer would be mom's last. I began "preparing" myself for the inevitable loss. The hours leading up to her death, I had multiple internal conversations with myself. I knew that I would have to purposefully grieve her. I knew I could NOT let myself shut down. Within days I sought out a trusted christian friend for counseling.
And so it began. Little by little, I let this go and that go. I strengthened my walk with God. I strengthened my relationship with Johnny. I strengthened relationships that would ultimately see me through this long road called life.
As I sat in my living room right after Thanksgiving, I pondered all that I had been through and all that God had given me. I had been a caregiver for one person or another all of my life. Clearly with the toddler in the back room, that wasn't going to end anytime soon.
It was time to go big or go home. Embrace where I was or squander my life away. Did I "want" Johnny to be my caregiver? No. Was it fair for Bella to be my caregiver? No. Especially if my issues were fixable before they became issues.
Ultimately I had to be mother's caregiver because she didn't take care of herself. I'm not angry or resentful of that fact but it's a true fact. It wouldn't be right for me to neglect caring for myself and making others responsible for my care down the road.
So I made the decision in November that I would change my life. I wasn't going on a diet for awhile. I wasn't going to exercise for awhile. I had to change my life. So I made a conscious decision that the Monday after Christmas, Susan would change. And I did. Was it easy in the beginning? No. Did I like it? No. Did I know it was necessary? Yes.
My relationship with food has changed. There's no hate now. Only love. I love how good food makes me feel. I love how it nourishes my body. I love that food is no longer a crutch.
I still struggle with my outward appearance. I have difficulty seeing what others see. I take that to God. Only God can change my vision. Instead of looking at my body for change, I look at the other stuff. My stamina; the things I can do now that I couldn't do before; I can play with Bella all day; I can breathe better; and today I fit into the "normal" gown at the doctor's office.
Life is full of change. Change is the only real constant we face. I thank God that He began a change in me all those years ago. Ultimately that change led me to today. That change will lead me to my goal. That change led me to life.
You start to think at some point that you've got this grief thing down. You've made it through the vast majority of your "firsts." You know most of your triggers. Certain songs don't make you cry anymore. You can look at pictures and giggle instead of cry.
Then, it sneaks right up on you all over again. My first father's day without my dad was rough. Really, really rough. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad now. I've refocused myself. I pay tribute to the other "fathers" in my life and that helps.
I'm just really not looking forward to mother's day. I've been a mom for 22 years but mother's day has just never really been about me. I'm okay with that. I always tried to make it a big deal for my mom though. Especially once it was just her and me.
And now here we are. Mother's day is two weeks away. All the signs in the store. All the pink stuff advertising mom. All the commercials about mom. But...there's no mom. It's hard to fathom not buying her anymore mother's day cards or gifts. Not seeing her on that day.
This will be the hardest one. I know this. Then I will shift my focus to the other mothers in my life. And once we make it through mother's day, "I" will only have two more firsts. Bella's birthday and the anniversary of her death.
This is my first full year of every new memory not including my mom. Sometimes these things just hurt more than others.
Yesterday marked eight months that mom's been gone. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. Sometimes it seems like it's been years. Sometimes it hurts like nothing I've ever felt. Sometimes I feel nothing at all.
I think we expect grief to be large and looming. An event that will overtake us and consume us if we aren't careful. I think we feel that way because the "beginning" of grief is so raw. We don't know how to act or feel when grief comes. So it becomes something that we're afraid of dealing with. Grief scares the person grieving and it scares those around them.
It shouldn't. At some point in our lives, we will all grieve something huge. A spouse, a parent, a child, etc. However, if we pay attention, life gives us the opportunity to learn how to grieve before the "big one" comes. Perhaps we moved away from friends, lost a pet, lost a job, maybe divorced. They all require grieving on a different scale.
While I absolutely ABHOR the term "new normal" after a death, it really is mostly true. Your life will again reach normalcy. It'll just always be different. We don't want to accept it but we have to accept reality for what it is.
I've learned that when the feelings come, when the emotions wash over me, the easiest way to move on is to acknowledge the fact they're there. Grief is never-ending, always changing, and life-altering. With the right mindset and the desire to continue down the road God desires us to walk, grief does not have to be debilitating. It just has to be acknowledged.
You don't do the Easter bunny? No, we don't. Here's why...
I wasn't neglected as a child. I promise. The Easter bunny came to our house every year without fail. We all got new outfits. We were all in church Easter morning.
I'm a different type of parent. I struggle with all the childhood fairytale stuff. Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the Tooth Fairy. Maybe it's because I suck at lying. I do know I was the WORST Tooth Fairy in the world when Gabby was little. I was better at Santa. However, there never was, nor will there ever be, an Easter bunny that comes to my house.
Don't get me wrong. I cave in to adult peer pressure. Gabby always got a little something. Bella will always get a little something. However, Gabby knew and Bella will know it's from us. There's also no magical search for the perfect Easter outfit at our house. Appropriate church clothes are already here.
For me, it is important that my children never associate a made up character with one of the most important events in our christian walk...the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (Please bear in mind that I struggle deeply with Santa Claus). For me, I simply cannot equate a made up bunny with the supreme sacrifice that God's only Son made for me.
I promise, Gabby is not traumatized by no Easter bunny nor will Bella be traumatized by no Easter bunny. As individual families, we choose what is important to us. For us, this is important. I choose to respect whatever choice any other family makes. This is just the best choice for ours. 💗
I like transparency. I like it in myself. I like it in those around me. Wearing a mask is easy. Being real is hard. Sometimes christians are made to feel like they lack faith if they struggle. The Bible says we will struggle. So...let me be a little transparent.
Four years ago this month, I was getting ready to embark on a new journey. 2011 was going to be my year. I was turning 40. My daughter was turning 18 and graduating high school. I was going to be "done" with all that kid stuff. I was getting ready to marry the man of my dreams.
We were going to be empty nesters. We had plans. So many plans. Go there. Do this. Vacations. Weekends alone. Newlywed marital bliss. (You can stop laughing now.)
The next year, 2012, ushered in a very long, very emotional season of struggle. In the beginning, there was always the thought "it can't get any worse." We were wrong.
First came issue after issue with the adult child. Then the announcement of an unplanned pregnancy. On the hills of the pregnancy announcement I was dealing with a health scare. In July of 2013, a little bundle of love was born. Within a couple short months, grandparents were full time parents. Where was that idyllic newlywed life we had just been dreaming about. Sorry, we're not quite done with issues yet. The end of 2013 finds us with mother sick and unable to get "well." We'll just fast forward through the details to get to the diagnosis - lung cancer, again. Surgery, recovery, treatments, sickness, and ultimately in August of 2014, her death. In the midst of this are two weary people raising a baby that literally haven't slept a full night in over a year. This is not the environment in which marriages thrive. However, the committed ones hang on for dear life.
Have I had questions? Sure. At times. However, several things see me through. First, I am convinced that God has a plan for my life that is bigger than my own. I have to trust Him. Second, I don't blame God. We simply live in a fallen world. Crap happens and sometimes it just really sucks. Third, I firmly believe that everything that "happens to me" is filtered through the hands of God.
You see, there are many seasons of life. Sometimes they're hard. Sometimes they last a really long time. We will get through them. With God's help we'll be stronger and He'll be glorified.
I find myself in a place of emerging on the other side. There's light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train. My mom is in a much better place - no more pain. No more suffering. The baby is well and sleeping. A marriage that was holding on for dear life is finding a way to blossom in the middle of the weeds.
How is this even possible? Because we never gave up hope in each other and we never gave up on God. Believe it or not, I'm thankful for that season of struggle. We have been blessed with gifts we didn't even know we needed. We were given the gift of time with mother. We have proven to each other that despite less than ideal circumstances we will not let go of each other.
Yes, the struggles are real. So is God. So are the blessings that we so often fail to acknowledge. Sometimes the rainbow doesn't come after the rain is finished. Sometimes the rainbow is right there in the clouds in the midst of the storm. You just have to be watching for it.
No matter what the relationship, true love involves sacrifice. Sometimes a lot of sacrifice. True love is not a warm, fuzzy feeling. True love involves work.
You "fall" in love and get married. Your new husband's job requires a move four states away. Your family lives here. You don't send him alone. You sacrifice to be with him. You want to finish school but you can't work and do school. So your husband takes on another job despite his weariness. He sacrifices rest to help you finish school. Through financial issues, moving, children, in-laws, etc. you sacrifice things to make your marriage work. You sacrifice because you love.
You have children. You sacrifice sleep to rock them and feed them. You sacrifice things you want so they have what they need. You maybe even sacrifice jobs or friendships to make them a priority. Sometimes as parents we sacrifice the last piece of dessert - because they want it. Daily hygiene - because by the time we have time we've forgotten we needed to brush our teeth. Sometimes we feel like we're sacrificing our sanity. But it's worth it. We love these little people. So much so that we'll do almost anything to take care of them.
Caring for a dying family member whom you love requires sacrifice. However, it's not a singular sacrifice. My nephew was my helper, my go to, my confidant in arms as we cared for my mom. But it wasn't just our sacrifice. Our families took on that sacrifice as well. We drug along spouses and children into the fray. They gave up time with us. They sacrificed normal days and normal nights. They took care of children alone. They shared in shuttling her to appointments. They bore are anger, pain, and grief.
Sacrificing sometimes comes easily. Sometimes not so much. I was a reluctant caregiver. It wasn't a role I wanted. Not because I didn't love her. It was because facing that sucked. I wasn't a perfect caregiver but I was adequate. I was enough. She told me so. 😊
There were times I was angry, impatient, and less than. I loved her anyways. She loved me. I saw her at her worst; her weakest; her sickest. Although I fell short I'm sure, at her worst, she felt like she was seeing me at my best. When you watch a parent lose their hair, it's painful. When you watch a parent lose some of their dignity, it's painful. When you watch a parent be called home, painful no longer becomes an adequate word to use.
But I'm grateful! Grateful I was there. Grateful that I sacrificed my time. Grateful that I had that time. Grateful that we got to laugh and be silly through the pain. Grateful that I was sitting at her bedside, holding her hand as she was called home. True love requires sacrifice. Sacrifice isn't always easy. In the long run, it's always worth it.
In case you were wondering, it should
be noted that grief is sneaky AND a jerk. Like I said, just in case you were
wondering. Most days now I walk around getting on with the business at hand. It’s
not that I don’t think about mom; it’s not that I don’t miss her; it’s not that
I don’t feel her loss. It’s just that most days, I’m “okay” with it all. I
truly view death as a part of life. For those living in Christ Jesus, death is
the sweetest part of this life. I work in an industry in which I see death
first hand every… single... day…
That doesn’t make dealing with death easier;
it just makes it feel much more normal. So, when I’m walking around, minding my
own business, and grief comes strolling up all like “hey, how you been?” it has
the tendency to really catch me off guard and tick me off just a little bit. I’m
in my groove. I don’t cry all of the time. I’m just doing my thing.
Grief clearly finds that to be
unacceptable behavior at times. Twice in the past week and a half, I have found
myself the recipient of grief’s unexpected company. The first time was the day
before my mom’s birthday. I had a doctor’s appointment with one of her doctors
for some follow up. Easy peasy, no big deal, I’ve known this doctor for years,
and I love her. Oh how we deceive ourselves. I find myself on the way to my
appointment literally crying so hard I can barely see out of my windshield.
Then I get in the building and a sweet older mother / daughter couple need help
finding their oncology office (mom’s other doctor). Let’s detour by the
bathroom to pull our self together AGAIN before actually going in to OUR
appointment.
Appointment done. Went great.
Acknowledged grief. Acknowledged “why” this bothered me. Birthday, doctors mom
had seen, in the same office again after all these months. Blah, blah, blah.
Okay grief, you got me. I’m not over it, I get it. Moving on for now.
Today I found myself crying over my mom
because of something a friend is going through with their mom. Wait! What? This
is not about ME. This is about her and her mom. However, in this moment, it is about me. Grief that I’m
still dealing with. Grief that surfaces as someone else’s situation reminds me
of what mom and I walked through.
I don’t like grief. I don’t like it at
all. I don’t like the touchy feely emotions of it all. I don’t like the crying.
Most of all I hate the inability to stop the crying when I so desperately want
to stop the crying. Wait, did I mention I hate the crying?
After saying all of that, grief is a
teacher. A great teacher – if we only accept the teaching. No one wants to be
taught by grief. Human nature fights against loss. Nonetheless, it’s
inevitable. Grief teaches compassion. Grief teaches us to feel for our brothers
and sisters in life as they travel similar roads and journeys. It allows us to
at least sympathize with their pain. Grief teaches us sensitivity. It teaches
us to be sensitive to others and to ourselves. Once we’ve experienced the true
heartbreak of grief, it allows us to at least understand the pain others feel.
Grief teaches us of God’s mercy. God shows us mercy as He comforts us in our
loss. God shows us mercy in His permanent healing of our loved ones. Grief
teaches us that regardless of gender, race, religion, sexual orientation,
financial status, etc. that at the beginning of life and at the end of life, we
are all the same. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. I’m just at a place of
allowing the teaching and honoring and accepting my own grief.
Are you a Christian? If so, this post is for you. As a Christian, do you walk around with a Friday attitude? No, I'm not talking about a TGIF (thank goodness it's Friday) attitude. I'm talking about a crucifixion Friday attitude. You know the attitude I'm talking about don't you. The world is a horrible place, we're going to hell in a hand basket, my life is in shambles, everything is falling apart, attitude.
I'm pretty sure, despite everything He said, most Christians thought that crucifixion Friday was the end. That was it, Jesus was on a cross. He died. They placed Him in a tomb. Clearly, for them, the world must have been a horrible place in that moment. Everything must have been falling apart. The sky went black. The earth shook.
On crucifixion Friday, they forgot one vital piece of information. We hear it all of the time close to Easter. It's almost become a "catch phrase." However, it is so very true. I know it's Friday, but hold on, Sunday's coming. Mercy! Sunday's coming! Boy did it show up with a bang.
In one shining moment, Jesus broke the chains of death and hell FOREVER - if we just believe on Him. There is no circumstance, situation, moment, or phase that lasts forever. Nothing that we see or go through here is permanent. There is only one thing that is permanent - eternal life.
So why, as Christians, believers in Jesus Christ, do we walk around with a defeated attitude? Why do we have a crucifixion Friday attitude? In reality, with an eternal future in front of us, shouldn't we all walk around with a resurrection Sunday attitude instead.
Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. My job is horrible. The hours are horrible. The pay is horrible. My boss is horrible. Resurrection Sunday - Colossians 3:22-24 Slaves, in all things obey those who are your masters on earth, not with external service, as those who merely please men, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.…
Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. I'm in debt. My finances are a mess. I don't know what to do. Resurrection Sunday - Philippians 4:6 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. My husband/wife is a liar, drunk, cheat, etc. I've done everything I know to do and I just can't make this marriage work. Resurrection Sunday - I Corinthians 13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.For we know in part and we prophesy in part,but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. My kid is a mess. I've tried to raise him right but he just stays in trouble. Resurrection Sunday - If you have truly "raised him right," God makes you a promise. Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. I lost my spouse, parent, child. My life will never be the same. It hurts so badly. (I know, I really do know). Resurrection Sunday - I Thessalonians 4:13-14 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
Crucifixion Friday - you don't understand. I've used drugs. I've been promiscuous. I've had an abortion. I've stolen things. I've lied. How can God forgive those things. Resurrection Sunday - I John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. II Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!
I don't mean to try and make it sound so easy. I struggle with these things myself. Living a life of faith isn't always easy. However, if our attitudes reflect those of defeat, fear, misery, and the inability to cope, how do we make Jesus sound like a "good" thing to the non-believer. If our attitude is as poor as theirs, how does being a Christian sound like it has any benefits. If a Christian's life and attitude mirrors the life and attitude of a non-believer, how do we show a non-believer that God is working. I know life is tough. The world is a crazy place. I know that sometimes it really does "LOOK" like there's no way out. It really does "LOOK" like Crucifixion Friday. Oh but glory! Faith lets us KNOW Sunday is coming!
I tell people often that we were given the gift of time with mother. Knowing she was sick, knowing treatment might not work, knowing...we were given the gift of time. Time to live IN each moment. Time to cherish each moment. There wasn't much planning, just living and doing.
However, it occurs to me that we each have that gift. We spend so much of our lives planning, wishing, dreaming. When this happens then that will happen. Once the kids are grown we'll do xyz. In reality, we do have to plan stuff out. Map a course so to speak. The question is do we live in the planning stage.
If you woke up today, you were given today. Not tomorrow, not next week, next month, or next year. Each day makes a difference. Are we so caught up in what's coming next that we don't enjoy the here and now.
The only moment we truly have with our loved ones is the moment we're in right now. Are you present in this moment? Really and truly present. Are you seeing what is right in front of you or is it so routine that you just "know" what it looks like. An example of looking, truly looking, that might "sound" silly. Do you know what your wife/husband wore to work today? No? Were you really looking at them this morning or was your morning just that routine.
It doesn't matter if there are toys in the floor. It doesn't matter if you eat off of paper plates every night. It doesn't matter if your laundry isn't all done. It doesn't matter if you're overweight or underweight. It doesn't matter if you need a haircut. It doesn't matter if your makeup is on. What will matter is your absence. If you were gone tomorrow, your spouse, children, family, and friends wouldn't miss your spotless house, your perfectly applied makeup, or your "just so" hair. They would miss YOU!
So, today - and only today - is your gift. BE PRESENT. Put your phone down. Turn the computer off. Turn the tv off. Interact with your family. Play with your kids. Talk to your spouse. Make sure they have something worth remembering when your presence is just a memory.
I'm convinced that the mind often knows - even if subconsciously - the things our heart is too timid to speak. I've been so unsettled the past few days. Irritable. Emotional. Given to periods of crying for whatever reason. I've blamed it on lack of sleep and a few other things.
I've prayed and prayed for God to change my attitude. Although I've tried very hard not to let my irritability affect others, it has spilled over onto Johnny and Bella I'm sure.
Grief is not excuse for being unkind to others. However, grief is where I find myself. The end of January to the beginning of March brings literally day after day of missed moments and anniversaries. My father's going home anniversary was January. My grandmother's going home anniversary is tomorrow. My sister's birthday is Monday. My mom's the 28th. My brother's March 7th. In the midst of all of that is mother. February became THE month. Both lung cancer diagnoses came in February. One five years ago and one last year. Five years ago today, mom came home after her first surgery.
These dates swim around in my subconscious even when my heart doesn't remind me. It's crazy to think dates on a calendar will bother you and disrupt your day...but they do. I don't want to feel these feelings. I don't want to have my feelings simmering so closely to the surface. I prefer them to be tucked neatly away in their box.
Alas, that is not to be. However, now I know why I'm unsettled, why I'm hurting, why I'm irritated. So now, I can give all these things to Jesus. Ask Him to take the "sting" out of dates. To replace them instead with the precious memories of times past and time spent together. Time that He gave me with each of them.
This is not my normal grief stuff, but it still applies. Yes, I'm going "there." We often hear, from well-meaning christian brothers and sisters, the following phrase...hang in there, God won't put more on you than you can bear. Number one, that's a LIE. Number two it's not scriptural. We're going to take a look at that MISQUOTED scripture. Below is the scripture in context - in other words the verse before, the verse after, and that entire verse, not just what people want to pull out.
I Corinthians 10:12-14
12 So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!
13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.
14 Therefore, my dear friends, flee from idolatry.
The middle of verse 13 is your misquote. "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear." Temptation is NOT pain. Temptation is NOT trouble. Temptation is NOT loss. Temptation is NOT trials. Temptation is NOT testing. What is temptation then? I'm glad you asked.
Webster defines temptation as the following... : a strong urge or desire to have or do something
: something that causes a strong urge or desire to have or do something and especially something that is bad, wrong, or unwise
Stay with me here. God wants us to rely fully on Him. Trust fully in Him. He wants us to seek Him, lean on Him, love Him. So, if that's what He wants us to do, how can we do those things if WE can handle everything? If we're trusting in our abilities, having faith in our abilities, seeking our abilities, leaning on our abilities, what exactly is God's purpose?
So, the next time someone tries to "comfort" you with that phrase, gently remind yourself (and perhaps them) that yes, God will put more on us than WE can bear because He wants to bear it for us but we must turn to Him.
In roughly two weeks, my mom will have been gone six months. That's approximately 180 days or 24 weeks. HALF A YEAR. Is that even possible? By the looks of the calendar, yes, it's possible. On the one hand, that seems like a really long time. On the other, it feels like yesterday.
I'm okay. I've made my peace with it. I'm where I need to be right now. Does that mean I won't cry again? That's funny. Does that mean I no longer miss her? Shoot, there are things I don't even know to miss yet. Does that mean I'm done grieving? No. It just means that for me, right now, in THIS moment, the face of grief is changing.
I can only address the rest of this as a believer. In all honesty, I don't know how nonbelievers even cope with death. If I thought with each family member that their burial was truly the last time I would see them, I would definitely be crazy by now. So...here goes.
I think it's important to realize that true grief in all of it's ugliness (and it is ugly. Have you ever seen me cry? Whew!) is NOT indicative of a lack of faith. First of all, when Lazarus died, the Bible even states that Jesus wept. If He can cry...well, surely we can. As believers (assuming our loved one is as well) we know that we will see that loved one again when God calls us home. So, it really isn't goodbye, it's see you later.
Spiritually, we're set. We've got it. Our spirit is fine with the situation because our spirit knows. We're not mourning the spirit. We're rejoicing the spirit.
We're mourning a physical connection. A relationship. That doesn't turn off just because spiritually we're "okay." God built us to be in relationship. So once that relationship is broken, how could we NOT mourn? If He built us to be in relationship, how can we think He doesn't understand our mourning? Or worse yet that He would consider it a lack of faith. That just wouldn't even make sense.
Spiritually I mourn NOTHING. Matter of fact my spirit is jealous that her work is done while mine is not. That human connection is broken. Never to be repaired here! So yes, my flesh mourns. Frankly, I believe God is a okay with that. So, don't let anyone tell you mourning shows a lack of faith or unbelief...because even Jesus wept.
33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.
