Mother's Day

You start to think at some point that you've got this grief thing down. You've made it through the vast majority of your "firsts." You know most of your triggers. Certain songs don't make you cry anymore. You can look at pictures and giggle instead of cry.

Then, it sneaks right up on you all over again. My first father's day without my dad was rough. Really, really rough. It doesn't hurt nearly as bad now. I've refocused myself. I pay tribute to the other "fathers" in my life and that helps.

I'm just really not looking forward to mother's day. I've been a mom for 22 years but mother's day has just never really been about me. I'm okay with that. I always tried to make it a big deal for my mom though. Especially once it was just her and me.

And now here we are. Mother's day is two weeks away. All the signs in the store. All the pink stuff advertising mom. All the commercials about mom. But...there's no mom. It's hard to fathom not buying her anymore mother's day cards or gifts. Not seeing her on that day.

This will be the hardest one. I know this. Then I will shift my focus to the other mothers in my life. And once we make it through mother's day, "I" will only have two more firsts. Bella's birthday and the anniversary of her death.

This is my first full year of every new memory not including my mom. Sometimes these things just hurt more than others.

Time Marches On

Yesterday marked eight months that mom's been gone. Sometimes it seems like yesterday. Sometimes it seems like it's been years. Sometimes it hurts like nothing I've ever felt. Sometimes I feel nothing at all.

I think we expect grief to be large and looming. An event that will overtake us and consume us if we aren't careful. I think we feel that way because the "beginning" of grief is so raw. We don't know how to act or feel when grief comes. So it becomes something that we're afraid of dealing with. Grief scares the person grieving and it scares those around them.

It shouldn't. At some point in our lives, we will all grieve something huge. A spouse, a parent, a child, etc. However, if we pay attention, life gives us the opportunity to learn how to grieve before the "big one" comes. Perhaps we moved away from friends, lost a pet, lost a job, maybe divorced. They all require grieving on a different scale.

While I absolutely ABHOR the term "new normal" after a death, it really is mostly true. Your life will again reach normalcy. It'll just always be different. We don't want to accept it but we have to accept reality for what it is.

I've learned that when the feelings come, when the emotions wash over me, the easiest way to move on is to acknowledge the fact they're there. Grief is never-ending, always changing, and life-altering. With the right mindset and the desire to continue down the road God desires us to walk, grief does not have to be debilitating. It just has to be acknowledged.

Because, That's Why

You don't do the Easter bunny? No, we don't. Here's why...

I wasn't neglected as a child. I promise. The Easter bunny came to our house every year without fail. We all got new outfits. We were all in church Easter morning.

I'm a different type of parent. I struggle with all the childhood fairytale stuff. Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the Tooth Fairy. Maybe it's because I suck at lying. I do know I was the WORST Tooth Fairy in the world when Gabby was little. I was better at Santa. However, there never was, nor will there ever be, an Easter bunny that comes to my house.

Don't get me wrong. I cave in to adult peer pressure. Gabby always got a little something. Bella will always get a little something. However, Gabby knew and Bella will know it's from us. There's also no magical search for the perfect Easter outfit at our house. Appropriate church clothes are already here.

For me, it is important that my children never associate a made up character with one of the most important events in our christian walk...the death, burial, and resurrection of Jesus Christ. (Please bear in mind that I struggle deeply with Santa Claus). For me, I simply cannot equate a made up bunny with the supreme sacrifice that God's only Son made for me.

I promise, Gabby is not traumatized by no Easter bunny nor will Bella be traumatized by no Easter bunny. As individual families, we choose what is important to us. For us, this is important. I choose to respect whatever choice any other family makes. This is just the best choice for ours. 💗

The Struggle is Real

I like transparency. I like it in myself. I like it in those around me. Wearing a mask is easy. Being real is hard. Sometimes christians are made to feel like they lack faith if they struggle. The Bible says we will struggle. So...let me be a little transparent.

Four years ago this month, I was getting ready to embark on a new journey. 2011 was going to be my year. I was turning 40. My daughter was turning 18 and graduating high school. I was going to be "done" with all that kid stuff. I was getting ready to marry the man of my dreams.

We were going to be empty nesters. We had plans. So many plans. Go there. Do this. Vacations. Weekends alone. Newlywed marital bliss. (You can stop laughing now.)

The next year, 2012, ushered in a very long, very emotional season of struggle. In the beginning, there was always the thought "it can't get any worse." We were wrong.

First came issue after issue with the adult child. Then the announcement of an unplanned pregnancy. On the hills of the pregnancy announcement I was dealing with a health scare. In July of 2013, a little bundle of love was born. Within a couple short months, grandparents were full time parents. Where was that idyllic newlywed life we had just been dreaming about. Sorry, we're not quite done with issues yet. The end of 2013 finds us with mother sick and unable to get "well." We'll just fast forward through the details to get to the diagnosis - lung cancer, again. Surgery, recovery, treatments, sickness, and ultimately in August of 2014, her death. In the midst of this are two weary people raising a baby that literally haven't slept a full night in over a year. This is not the environment in which marriages thrive. However, the committed ones hang on for dear life.

Have I had questions? Sure. At times. However, several things see me through. First, I am convinced that God has a plan for my life that is bigger than my own. I have to trust Him. Second, I don't blame God. We simply live in a fallen world. Crap happens and sometimes it just really sucks. Third, I firmly believe that everything that "happens to me" is filtered through the hands of God.

You see, there are many seasons of life. Sometimes they're hard. Sometimes they last a really long time. We will get through them. With God's help we'll be stronger and He'll be glorified.

I find myself in a place of emerging on the other side. There's light at the end of the tunnel and it's not an oncoming train. My mom is in a much better place - no more pain. No more suffering. The baby is well and sleeping. A marriage that was holding on for dear life is finding a way to blossom in the middle of the weeds.

How is this even possible? Because we never gave up hope in each other and we never gave up on God. Believe it or not, I'm thankful for that season of struggle.  We have been blessed with gifts we didn't even know we needed. We were given the gift of time with mother. We have proven to each other that despite less than ideal circumstances we will not let go of each other.

Yes, the struggles are real. So is God. So are the blessings that we so often fail to acknowledge. Sometimes the rainbow doesn't come after the rain is finished. Sometimes the rainbow is right there in the clouds in the midst of the storm. You just have to be watching for it.