The Emotional "Anchor"

I've been self-sufficient for a long time now. Physically and financially independent from my parents for years. I moved out at 19, married my first husband and moved 2,200 miles away. Life happens, things happen, you go through hard times. I had just turned 25 when I lost my brother. Three months later, almost to the day, I lost my dad. Ten months after that (I had recently turned 26) I lost my sister. To use the word devastated is probably insufficient. However, life goes on. It has a way of doing that.

Flash forward a bit. That grieving is well and truly done (pardon me while I chuckle). I'm stronger, wiser, even more self-sufficient. As I so readily and so often tell my husband, I don't "need" anyone. That word is distasteful. I really don't like it. I digress...we're flashing forward. Mom has cancer. God grants her a miracle. Yeah! Flash forward a bit more. Mom has cancer. Again. I just know that this outcome will not be the same.

I've GOT this. We've (she and I) have made our peace. I've worked for hospice for years. Death is simply a part of life. A part I'm "used" to. I've GOT this. I've lost before. I've grieved before. I'm ready. I lost three in a row. This won't be that hard. I've GOT this. I know it's coming. I rally the troops. Come say goodbye. Medically I'm prepared. I know what's happening as it's happening. We're inching closer. I've GOT this. I know death is imminent. Maybe minutes away. Gather the kids. Say goodbye one more time. Yep, that's it. Last breath. Call the nurse. I've GOT this. I'm grown. I've been her caretaker off and on for years. She was tired. She's whole now. I've GOT this. Get everything together. Plan the funeral. Be strong for the kids. I've GOT this. I've TOTALLY GOT THIS.

Wait. What? I totally DO NOT have this. WHY is this hurting like this? Why? I didn't "depend" on her. I've done my own thing for years. I don't need her. Good grief. Get this crushing weight of despair off of me.

Here's the thing... I didn't need her. I didn't depend on her. She didn't support me financially or physically. So why was this so hard. First of all, no amount of knowledge or preparation truly prepares you for the loss of your mother. Secondly, as a general rule, your mom is your anchor. She might not do much. She might not say much. She might not offer much. She's just there.

Then suddenly, she's not. Suddenly the boat is adrift. The anchor is gone. It's a weird feeling to truly be on your own. It's okay though. I've been anchored long enough. I've been anchored long enough to know that I can sail my own ship. I've been anchored long enough to know that despite the wind and waves, I can weather the storm. I've been anchored long enough to know that I am an anchor for others. Besides, I have a much stronger Anchor. It'll be okay. With God's help, I've got this. It won't be easy. It won't be quick. I won't ever get over it. However, it will be okay. Right now, the "hard" days tend to happen with more regularity than the easy days. One day though, I will wake up and the scales will change. But life will always be different. I will always be different.

I will allow God to use this to change me. To change my heart. To soften my heart. I will allow Him to use this to teach me compassion. To teach me mercy and tolerance. To teach me that ultimately the only Anchor I truly need is Him.