The Responsibility of the Griever

I find myself in a weird place. Ive become quite introspective. I'm grieving right now. Deeply. Frankly, it hurts like hell. However, grieving, hurting, and all of the things that go along with it, does not give me the right to be... well, um, craptastic to other people.

So every thought, word, and action is weighed on the grief scale. Follow me here. Patty Lou is an idiot. I can't stand her face. I can't stand her voice. Shoot, I can't stand the way she breathes. Logic has to prevail. Throw it on the grief scale. So we run through the following scenario. How do I feel today? Is this an emotional day for some reason? Is this an anniversary? A birthday? Any other special occasion? Did a song make me cry? A picture? Pre-cooked bacon? (You laugh but that's happened)

If I can answer "yes" to any of that, it is very likely that my emotions have already been triggered, Patty Lou is not truly an idiot, and I need to take an adult timeout and get myself together. The flip side of that is, grief does NOT color every emotion I have. And sometimes, yes indeed, Patty Lou is a flaming idiot that has been stupid one too many times, and frankly, yes, she ticked me off. That happened this week. 😀

They say time heals. They say it takes about a year to truly grieve. First, who are "they?" Second, "they" LIE! Third, "they" should be smacked. I will not be whole in a year. No amount of time will "fix" this. The ONLY thing that will fix this hurt is entering the gates of heaven myself (and no that comment in no way indicates a desire to harm myself).

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Two days away. I'm not overly enthusiastic about it at all. Sure, I'll love being with all the kids. I love them dearly. However, I am so tired of empty chairs. And if I hear the phrase "new normal" one more time, somebody could get smacked. There's nothing normal about this.

Yes, yes. I'll move forward. We all do. Soon, I will be able to talk about her and not cry. That's not today. Soon, I will think of her special bond with Bells and smile rather than cry. That's not today. Soon, I will look at all her pictures and laugh without crying. That's not today. Soon, I will see her again. However, that's not today.