Christmas Before Thanksgiving and Grief

My Christmas decorations are up. My tree is standing in my living room waiting on decorations. With any luck at all, I will get it decorated tomorrow night. Do you know how tired I am of listening to people whine about Christmas music "already" and Christmas decorations "already?" Tired... oh so very tired. I haven't "skipped" Thanksgiving because my Christmas decorations are up. I haven't "skipped" Thanksgiving because I'm listening to Christmas music. Thanksgiving will come right on time. On the 4th Thursday of this month, Thanksgiving will occur - despite the fact that I have Christmas décor out right now. I'm fairly certain the calendar doesn't "know" that I have my Christmas stuff out. I'm fairly certain that Thanksgiving won't suddenly disappear because I'm doing things too quickly. Yes, the 4th Thursday of this month, my family will gather, we will give thanks, and we will eat.

Let me make this clear, I don't really want my decorations up. No, I don't mean just this early. I mean AT ALL. My preference this year is to just skip the whole blasted holiday. But I can't. You see, I have children in my family. I have a lot of them. They don't understand that my grief makes me want to say "Christmas? Yeah, Christmas blows." You see, in your mind, I lost my mom. Sure, it hurts, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, yes, I lost my mom, but in losing her, I don't just grieve for my mother this year. This year, I grieve my ENTIRE family of origin. I'm it. I'm all that's left.

Well, you still have... (fill in the blank). I sure do. And do you know what, my husband, my child, my grandchild, my nieces and nephews, I love them all. But not one of them replaces my mother, my father, my sister, or my brother. My mom was that final piece of the puzzle. Despite all of the losses, we still had each other. We still had that one person left which meant we weren't quite alone. We discussed it often. Well, my person is gone.

My hope is that if my Christmas decorations are up long enough, if I listen to Christmas music long enough, that when Christmas day rolls around, maybe, just maybe, it won't hurt so badly. I won't hurt so badly. Sure, I know that's an illusion, but it's ALL I have.

Maybe the stores put their Christmas stuff out too early. You know what? You don't HAVE to shop there. Maybe the radio stations play Christmas music too early. You know what? You don't have to listen - change the channel. Maybe I'm the only one that feels this way. Maybe I'm the only one handling my grief this way. I doubt it, but maybe.

So, as you sit there in judgment of my decorations and my music choices and say that I'm not being thankful, perhaps you should sit back and think that maybe I (and whoever else) am doing the best I can in the situation I'm in at the moment.

Despite the fact that my decorations mean I'm skipping Thanksgiving and I'm clearly not thankful, I am. I really, really am. I'm thankful that I had my parents and my siblings at all. I'm thankful that I got to share the years I did with them. I'm thankful for the influence both good and bad they had on my life. I'm thankful that I walked with my mother through every step of her cancer journey - BOTH times. I'm thankful that I was with my father and my mother the exact moment they drew their last breaths. And I am thankful, oh so thankful, that I have the assurance that I will see them again.

So let me have my Christmas music. Let me have my decorations. Let me get used to them all. Let me pretend that when Christmas gets here in 51 days I won't hurt so badly. Let me grieve the way I need to grieve. Stop assuming that you know everyone's situation. You don't. Enjoy Thanksgiving and Christmas your way. Let others enjoy it their way. Soon enough, it'll all be over and we'll start a new year.

For me, each day I wake up and put one foot in front of the other is a stark reminder that time marches on whether we want it to or not. The world doesn't stop because I'm grieving. I have to grieve as the world turns. I'm doing it the best way I know how.